When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
