I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so let's talk penis.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
