I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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