Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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