Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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