So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
When did angry sex become our thing?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
