Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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