I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
