I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
