Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
