Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
