I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
