My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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