i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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