if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
