i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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