True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
