im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
