She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
this hospital has no fireball
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
