Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
