Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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