we're chasing vodka with high fives
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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