Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
