how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
