I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
