I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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