Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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