went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
