What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
