Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
