I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
