I wish I could teleport
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
