i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
