I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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