Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
