you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
