If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
