I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
