Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
