I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize