i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
