I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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