NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
