DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
