Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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