Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
