Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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