i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
