last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
