i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
