she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
