so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How external is "for external use only"?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
