What did we do last night that was yellow?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
