You're my little dorito
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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