so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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