You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Come see our sink grown plant.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
