My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
false alarm. still invincible.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
