If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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