I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
