More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
