Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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