remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
