i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
