After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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