let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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